It’s been 6 months to the day that my brother Craig passed away. There isn’t one day, one hour, one minute that goes by that I don’t think about him. He still makes appearances in my dreams and while it’s amazing to feel like he is still here, it’s a harsh reality to wake up to. It isn’t any easier today than it was 6 months ago. The shock is somewhat gone (I say somewhat because I still find myself thinking this can’t be real) but the all the emotions are still strong and present. I am sad, angry, confused, and every other word that you can think of when someone you love passes away unexpectedly.
While I didn’t see him everyday or talk to him every week, he was still a big part of my life. Celebrating Mother’s Day, Father’s Day and birthdays have been tough and I know this holiday season won’t be any easier. I think about how much my daughter has changed in 6 months and how much he would really enjoy her now. She has been puckering her lips a lot lately and it reminds me of Craig. He would also pucker his lips when he was thinking. It was subtle but I always remember him doing that. I catch myself doing that sometimes. Funny that Kyler has picked it up. The other day she pointed at his picture and asked “who that?” and I told her Craig. In true 19 month fashion, she repeated “Craig” and it pretty much broke my heart.
It’s frustrating to me that he is no longer here. While he didn’t live the most healthy lifestyle, it was still far too early for him to go. How can a 37-year-old man pass away from a heart attack? Yes, heart attack; not an accidental overdose as some of his so-called “friends” claimed after his passed. Craig has so many great friends and people who love him but I did find it interesting how some people reacted after he passed. Everyone became his bestest and closest friend. I like to take that as a compliment of my brother’s character. That he was such a good friend that people just connected with him. I do wonder how many of those people really knew the real Craig. Not the person he was the past few years but the guy deep down. He was such a larger than life personality but he definitely had a side to him that he didn’t show a lot of people. I am not saying this to undercut some of the relationships he built in his life, just that it was interesting to see how many people he was close to. The pastor made an interesting comment to my parents and I before his service; he said that the family are the ones who need the support the most yet they are the ones that become the counselors. That everyone will unload their emotions unto us. He was so right. It’s just how it is. It’s not good nor bad, just the truth.
It hasn’t been easier for us. It’s been pretty much hell. I miss my brother. I can’t really talk to my other brother Josh for reasons I care not to discuss so it’s just been me. The pressure feels like an elephant on my shoulders at times but it’s life. I know it could be worse and I do have so many wonderful and positive things in my life. I know that Craig is still with me and I will hold the memories I have with him forever. It’s just hard.
Craig, I love you. Miss you. Think about you always.
I hope you are resting in peace.